...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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