I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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