is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
