Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
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just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
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You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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