his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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