we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
