New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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