We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
