k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
