I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
