Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
