theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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