You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
