can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
