my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
