The best revenge is premature balding
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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