I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
