proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
