Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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