Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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