but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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