note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
