...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
