I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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