I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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