turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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