true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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