I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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