Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My feet surprised me
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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