Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
