We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
