I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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