I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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