We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So many bounce houses so little time
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
