You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
