We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
