I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
