i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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