all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
