the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You made out with two different species that night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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