So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
