I accidentally had phone sex last night
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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