How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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