I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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