96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
