I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize