I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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