I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
