i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
