I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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