I want to stick my p in your. b.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
