apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
