i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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