I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
