Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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