he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
