What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
