Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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