do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
