my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
